Clarity

One of the things that unite people all over the world is perhaps the lowest of our common denominators - we all have at least 1 asshole in our lives.

I like to think that the majority of us can go about our day without being too bothered by our physical one. Assuming we are in good health and skipped that dodgy take-out place last night, and as we can handle only 1 asshole at a time, let’s focus on the other type.

Assholes can wipe themselves clean, but they will keep on producing shit, because that’s what assholes do! - Tzhe’ela Trooper, Sep 2019

This brilliant clarity revealed itself when I was trying to help my best friend come to terms with the current asshole in her life. Yes, assholes of that type can go away! They can even morph into very nice people - especially when they are far far away from you!

My friend is one of the most kind, generous and positive person I have the pleasure of having in my life, and being her amazing self, she always give people the benefit of the doubt. This wasn’t the first time she came across someone that ignited frustration, concern, worry, mistrust or doubt. It was not even the first time all these were provided at the same time by the same person.

Why are they there? Assholes of any type have one purpose, unload.

While the physical ones have us running to a ceramic|wooden|soil support system, urging us to unload what our body cannot process any further, the nomadic type urges us to run to a different support system - other people. The nomadic asshole brings grief to others, by unloading their shit onto us, leaving us and our support system to cleanup the mess.

NOTE: This article could be perceived by some as an unpolished turd, to which, all I can really say is - oh well, I guess you are not my support people, and that’s fine.

So what can we do? We already established that cleaning up the mess is just a temporary solution… How can we deal with the asshole in a more permanent way? That’s an advice to a different time.

Hold on, you say, you don’t want to hand us a solution - at least give us a way to spot an asshole from a safe distance so we can defend ourselves. Sorry, can’t do that either…. just joking. Here’s a list:

1. Saving face, theirs, not yours! - Professional assholes won’t admit they are wrong, they can’t. They are always on the hunt for patsies, scapegoats and easy marks to take the blame - focusing on people that are not currently in the room and cannot defend themselves. They always want something from you more than they are interested in you as a person, or the fact that you are a person. You are only a way to get something else (like validation, attention, an ego boost…).
2. Tough Love my ass - They weren’t insulting you, just giving you some tough love. People that use “tough love” are usually people that enjoy hearing their own voice, more than they want to expose. They don’t care if you are in a place or time when you can process and benefit from whatever “advice” they are giving. There is no acknowledgment of your feelings and what lead you to act in a certain way over another. They pretend to care, but the end result is that they wreck your self-esteem in some way, shape or form.
3. Transparency, I wish I saw right through you! - They don’t give all the information when it is required, so they could change the story later on to suit their own agenda, making sure you cannot win. They also conveniently misremember that they were the person who asked for something specific to be done, throwing you under the bus.
4. Responsibility, what is that? - As they lack self-awareness, it is never their fault. The only “I’m sorry” that will be blown into the air will be “I’m sorry you feel this way”. Pffff… When someone calls them out for something, they get all defensive and hostile. They spin their own narratives - constantly twisting facts to glorify their decisions. They are really here to help. We will work through this together. Open a window for crying out loud!
5. Dealing with their shit is painful! - You cry a lot! A traumatic event is an incident that causes physical, emotional, spiritual, and|or psychological harm. It is when you experience a distressing event and feel threatened, anxious, or frightened as a result. And you might not even know how to respond, or may be in denial about the effect such an event has had on you. An encounter with an asshole can cause symptoms of psychological trauma, such as: shock, denial, disbelief, confusion, difficulty concentrating, anger, irritability, mood swings, anxiety and fear, guilt, shame, self-blame, withdrawing from others, feeling sad or hopeless. Think I’m taking it too far? leave a comment for The Asshole Survival Guide , Dear Asshole: 101 Tear-Out Letters to the Morons Who Muck Up Your Life, The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t, Dear Asshole: Go Fuck Yourself - Coupon Book, Assholes: A Field Guide: How to Deal with Difficult People At Home or at Work, I think you get the picture… but just for good measure, here is another one: A Stanford psychologist on the art of avoiding assholes.

So yes, whenever possible, do your best to avoid the asshole. But if you don’t have a choice, make sure you are dealing with it in a well ventilated room.

If you want to make sure you are not an undercover asshole yourself and that you have the tools you need to deal with the current assholes in your life, I invite you to checkout this great book, which I titled - Avoiding Assholeness!